


An Ex-Angel, A Businessman, and A Soulless Humanoid Walk Into A Barn…

by fem_castielnovak



Series: WORST HUNTING TEAM EVER [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Soulless Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-15 01:32:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4587969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fem_castielnovak/pseuds/fem_castielnovak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on blowjobcas’s prompt: supernatural au where everything’s the same except it’s presented as a dark comedy with team free will being composed of soulless sam, dean smith, and endverse cas.<br/>---------------------<br/></p><p>Ah, vampire hunts</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Ex-Angel, A Businessman, and A Soulless Humanoid Walk Into A Barn…

  


  


“Dean, this is ridiculous. We already have enough of a plan laid out.”

“Sammy I want to be sure of everything.” He turns back to the crude drawing, “Now we’re coming in from the south entrance but the hostages are being kept in the northwest corner of the loft, yeah?”

He puts his hands on his hips and throws his head back in exasperation. “That’s what it looked like,” Sam sighs.

“Alright so you’ll go in first, Sam. And – No! Not now Sam! Wait. Goddamnit get back here. Would you just wait two minutes? Jeez.”

Sam, being the overgrown child he tends to turn into when he’s you know, lacking a soul, _and_ not getting what he wants; Sam quite literally stomps back to the table while Dean continues.

“Cas and I will distract and go after the vamps. We’ll keep ‘em cornered so they can’t get to the vics before you. Cas you’ll need to stick to my left flank.”

“Oh, I’m all over your flank, Dean.”

Dean blushes but maintains focus on the sketch and resolutely doesn’t look at either of his companions.

“Thank you for that lovely mental image,” Sam says.

“Guys, focus!” Dean is failing at both of his top points for running a business meeting: Make your objective clear, and stick to your schedule. He can’t even keep himself from getting distracted. He’s going to be having nightmares tonight about how horribly he’d screw up if he had to return to his old job at Sandover tomorrow.  
“Hostage lives at stake, here.”

“Which is why I’m going in now!” Sam swipes a machete up and stalks over towards the barn.

“Christ,” Dean mutters, “Sam, get back here!” He stage-whispers. If he’s any louder their attack won’t be a surprise.

Cas just hands Dean a weapon and marches after him.

They get inside all three poised, ready to strike and are met with a trashed but empty barn.

“Perimeter check,” Dean instructs.

Sam climbs up to the loft where the less than voluntary blood donors last were. His head pops up over the edge and in the corner he sees three motionless bodies.

“Dean, up here!” He clambers up and goes over to check their pulses. Cas and Dean aren’t far behind him. “Well they’re alive so I’m going to leave you to take care of them.” He moves as if to head back down to the car.

“What? No! You’ve got to help us move the bodies.”

Sam sighs, acting put upon, “Fine but I don’t want to have to deal with them until they can give us some answers.”

 

***********

 

The three kids are frazzled to say the least when they come to. Two girls and a boy who all waited tables at a local bar. Only one of the girls is able to say anything coherent and she tells them that nest of vampires became regulars at their bar a couple of weeks before they got kidnapped.

True to his word, Sam went back to sit in the car until Dean could promise him that the weeping was down to a minimum and at least one of the kids was talking sensibly. Although he did protest and try to hold out until all of them were able to communicate.

It would seem that this nest liked to talk. Really took it to the monster movie level with their evil villain dialoguing. Dean didn’t mind; it made their whole job easier. But Sam found it difficult to sit through twenty minutes of over the top reenactment and commentary by the girl. Apparently she was a drama student.

To the boys’ benefit, however, it was during one of these dialogues that the vamps disclosed their methods. They move into town, establish a niche, feed on random vics for a week or two. And then, when those got hard to come by, kidnap some nobodies without connections and take them to some warehouse or abandoned shack to use them as the vamps’ own personal blood banks until it became necessary to move on.

Dean realizes that Sam has decided they’ve gotten all the information they need when he tells the victims to get lost.

Dean recovers the situation and sends Sam outside while he tries to help the kids calm down some more.

There isn’t room for all of them in the impala so Dean lets them use his phone to call someone. Sam gives them the hunter debrief talk they give to involved civilians at the end of every hunt. And Dean makes small talk until their ride comes to get them while Sam goes back in with Cas to search for clues.

 

***********

 

They walk out to where Cas is standing by the car. Dean counts the bags for a third time and arranges them in the trunk. Sam’s already in the passenger seat but Cas is still leaning against the back door, fishing around his pockets with a joint resting in his mouth. Dean’s come around the side just as Cas has found a lighter and is attempting to ignite the cigarette. Dean snatches the lighter from him and bats the joint out of his hand, crushing it underfoot into the pavement, much to Castiel’s dismay.

“I was smoking that.”

“No you weren’t, it wasn’t lit.” Dean takes out a crisply folded piece of paper from his pocket. “We’ve gotta move now if we want to want to make it to …” he squints at the paper but gives up, “I don’t know where the hell it is. The vics say that this is where the vamps were headed and Sam says it’s a two hour drive. And we’ve got to get there before nightfall, if we don’t want to be looking at another hostage situation. Come on.”

He pulls Cas by his lapel off of the car and opens the door, unceremoniously pushing him in.

Dean gets into the front seat and thinks the dejected sigh he gets from the back will be the end of conversation for a while so he puts a tape in.

He isn’t expecting a voice to whisper warmly in his ear, “I like it when you get rough.”

“Jesus Christ!”

  


  


**Author's Note:**

> Exits are to your left, your right, and your rear, restrooms are to the front, Kudos and comments are found below, and as always very appreciated. Thank you for flying Air fem-castielnovak.


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